Catalyst For Children | Getting Kids to Talk and Listen

Experts on communication between adults and children provide advice for parents in their widely praised book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. Their recommended communication strategies are especially helpful for eliciting desired behaviors from children.

The book addresses how to deal with children’s feelings, engage cooperation, alternatives to punishment, encouraging autonomy, praise, and freeing children from assuming predefined roles such as after being told you are “slow” or “stubborn.”

Each chapter summarized below focuses on specific communication situations between adults and children, providing examples of typical exchanges and how those exchanges can be altered to encourage the child to communicate more appropriately or cooperate more fully.

The book has multiple examples of how parents may have been communicating, for example exhibiting annoyance, sarcasm or anger, and presenting better more successful alternatives.

Useful sections of the book were the “quick reminder” pages which provide an overview of the strategies, and can be copied and kept as a reminder of the things that can be done throughout the day when communicating with children. An example of the “quick reminder” page for Engaging Cooperation includes:

Describe what you see, or describe the problem-“There’s a wet towel on the bed”
Give information-“The towel is getting my blanket wet”
Say it with one word-“Towel”
Describe what you feel-“I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed!”
Write a note-(above towel rack) “Please put me back so I can dry”

Quick reminder pages provide a reference that is simple, straightforward, and sensible.

Children of all abilities need to have their feelings acknowledged, and they need to know they have some autonomy. By communicating more directly and concisely with children with communication difficulties, we can help lessen frustrations and help them become more successful and happy.

Brief summary of the 6 key insights covered in the book:

1. Helping Children Deal With Their Feelings
Too often parents minimize or reject their children’s feelings. This can confuse and further agitate kids. It can also teach them not to trust their feelings. Kids need a chance to talk about what is troubling them. Aim to promptly recognize and acknowledge their feelings.

Here are 4 ways to help children deal with their feelings:

Listen with full attention.
It’s discouraging to talk to someone who is distracted or only half listening. It’s easier for a child to share their joys and troubles with a parent who is giving their full attention. Often silent sympathy is all a child needs to work through their feelings.
Acknowledge (but not necessarily agree with) their feelings, even with just a word or two rather than blaming or advising them.
This can help a child explore their own thoughts and feelings and possibly come up with their own solutions.
Give their feelings a name.
Children are comforted by hearing words that accurately describe the feelings that they’re experiencing. For example, “Boy, you sound angry!”, or “That must have been disappointing.”
Give them their wishes in fantasy.
When a child demands something that you can’t provide, share your desire to meet their needs rather than explaining why it is not possible. For example, saying, “I wish I could afford to get that new toy we just saw on TV for you.”

Other Helpful Tips for Managing Feelings:
It’s much more helpful recognize and acknowledge a child’s feelings right away. For example, it is better for for a child to hear, “I see something is making you sad,” than to be interrogated with questions such as, “What happened?” or “Why do you feel that way?”

A child will know you really do understand when you specify what they are experiencing. Generic language such as “I understand how you feel” is less likely to be believed.

Of course, there are situations where you must set clear boundaries. For example, if a child is upset and being physical with a sibling, you might say: “I can see you are angry at your brother. Tell him what you want with words, not fists.”

2. Engaging Cooperation
Many parents face a daily struggle to get children to behave in ways that are acceptable to them and to society. Yet, children often don’t care about cooperation, order, cleanliness, courtesy, and routine. Frequently parents resort to blaming, warning, threats, name-calling, lecturing, making comparisons, or using sarcasm––approaches that may hurt a child’s sense of self-esteem and feelings.

Here are five strategies are likely to be more effective for engaging cooperation and foster mutual respect. Each of these strategies can be used individually or in combination.

Describe
It’s easier to concentrate on the problem when it is described, rather than focusing on personal failings. This gives children a chance to tell themselves what to do. For example, instead of telling a child, “your bedroom is a mess,” consider saying, “I see a messy room.”
Give Information
It’s much easier to accept information than an accusation. When given clear information, children can usually figure out what needs to be done. If a child doesn’t understand the problem, it may be useful to add more information. For example, you might say, “Couches are for sitting, not jumping”, or “Loud noises can wake up a sleeping baby.”
Say It With A Word
Children dislike hearing lectures, long sermons, or lengthy explanations. For them, the shorter the reminder, the better. Therefore, look for opportunities to get your message across with just a word. This approach gives the child a chance to exercise his own intelligence and initiative. When he hears you say, “The towel,” he has to think, “What about the towel? … oh, yeah, I didn’t put it away . . . I guess I’d better do that now.”
Talk About Your Feelings
Children are entitled to hear their parents’ honest feelings. By describing what we feel, we can be genuine without being hurtful. It’s easier for a child to cooperate with someone who is expressing irritation or anger so long as they aren’t accused of causing it. So, instead of saying “you make me feel…”, simply say “I feel…”
Write A Note
Sometimes the written word is more effective than anything we say. Most children love receiving notes—even those who can’t read. If they cannot read, they usually like having the words read and explained to them.

For example, a reminder saying “please finish all homework before watching television” can be taped to the TV remote. Or, describe what you feel-“I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed!” Write a note-(above towel rack) “Please put me back so I can dry”

Other Helpful Tips For Engaging Cooperation
The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves. The sentiment that children thrive on is one that communicates, “You’re basically a lovable, capable person. Right now, there’s a problem that needs attention. Once you’re aware of it, you’ll probably respond responsibly.”

The attitude that defeats children is one that communicates, “You’re basically irritating and inept. You’re always doing something wrong, and this latest incident is even more proof of your wrongness.”
The book’s authors consider it a good idea to speak forcefully when upset or demanding prompt behavior rather than using the word “please.” “Please” is a socially acceptable way to make a small request in relaxed environments.

3. Alternatives to Punishments
Parents turn to punishments for a variety of reasons. Here are some examples quoted in the book: “if you don’t punish them, kids will try to get away with murder”, “sometimes I get so frustrated, I don’t know what else to do”, or “how will my child learn that what he did was wrong and not to do it again if I don’t punish him?”
The authors claim that punishments don’t work because instead of the child feeling sorry or thinking about how to make amends, punishment may lead to feelings of hatred, revenge, guilt, unworthiness or self-pity and defiance fantasies. So punishing a child deprives them of the inner process of facing their own misbehavior.

The book describes 7 alternatives to punishments.

1. Point Out a Way To Be Helpful
Children like to be helpful when given the opportunity. Therefore, when a child is acting out, consider identifying ways in which they could be helpful.
2. Express Strong Disapproval (Without Attacking Character)
When necessary, express your feelings strongly without making it about the child. For example, you might say, “I don’t like what’s going on! It’s disturbing to shoppers when children are running in the aisles!”
3. State Your Expectations
Clarify how you expect their future behavior to change. For example, you could say, “I expect a calm and relaxed atmosphere when shopping.”
4. Show The Child How to Make Amends
When possible, along with disapproval, point out how a child can make amends. After initial remorse, children need a chance to restore good feelings about themselves and to see himself as a respected, responsible family member once again.
Instead of offering a punishment, provide an opportunity for the child to make up for his misbehavior.
5. Offer A Choice
For example, if a child is running around a grocery store, you might say, “You can walk or you can sit in the cart. Which do you prefer?”
6. Take Action
If the child continues to misbehave, then it’s time to take action. For example, if the child continues to run around the grocery store after being given an option to walk or sit in the cart, you might say, “I see you decided to sit in the cart.”
Critically, this step should not involve lecturing or moralizing. Instead, it should simply convey the natural consequences of their actions or misbehavior.
7. Problem Solve
When a problem persists, it’s usually safe to assume it’s more complex than it originally appeared. In such situations, it’s important to engage in problem-solving. Here are the 5 steps to work through with your child:

Talk about the child’s feelings and needs. Don’t rush this step. Only when the child feels heard will she be able to consider your feelings.
Talk about your feelings and needs. Keep this part short and clear.
Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution. If possible, let the child come up with the first few ideas. Refrain from evaluating or commenting on them. All ideas should be welcome.
Write down all ideas—without evaluating them. Just make a complete list so the child sees that all of their suggestions are being taken seriously.
Decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like, and which you plan to follow through on. Avoid rejecting any ideas. Instead, describe your personal reactions: “I wouldn’t be comfortable with that because…” or “That sounds like something I could do.”

The goal is to work through the process to come up with a solution that works for you and your child.

4. Encouraging Autonomy
So eventually they can function on their own, an important parental goal is to help our children develop into independent individuals. Here are 6 ways to encourage autonomy.
1. Let Children Make Choices
Each small choice that a child makes is a chance to exert some control over his or her life. So look for opportunities to provide them with options. For example, when crossing a street, a father might ask, “Do you want to hold onto Mommy’s hand or my hand?”
2. Show Respect for A Child’s Struggle
When a child’s struggle is respected, they have an opportunity to experience the pride of having achieved something difficult. This also encourages perseverance to see the job through.
For example, if a child is struggling to zip up a zipper, instead of saying, “it’s easy, just line up the two sides,” consider saying, “zipping up a jacket can be difficult.”
Rather than taking over and doing the job for the child, give useful information instead: The words “sometimes it helps” works well because if it doesn’t help, the child is spared from feelings of inadequacy.
3. Don’t Ask Too Many Questions
Being peppered with questions can be experienced as an invasion of one’s privacy. Children will talk about what they want to talk about when they want to talk about it. The classic “Where did you go?” . . . “Out” . . . “What did you do?” . . . “Nothing” is an example of a child defending their privacy.
Next time a child returns home, consider substituting these kinds of questions with a simple phrase like, “Glad to see you, welcome home!”
4. Don’t Rush to Answer Questions
When a child asks a question, there is a good chance they have already done some thinking about the answer. So, rather than answering it straight away, it can be helpful to act as a sounding board to help them explore their thoughts further. That way, they can develop their own thinking rather than jumping to the answer.
The next time a question comes up, consider turning their questions back to them for further examination: “That’s an interesting question… what do you think?”
5. Encourage Children to Use Sources Outside The Home
We want our children to know they’re not completely dependent on us. One way to lessen feelings of dependency is to show them there is a larger community waiting to be tapped. The world outside the home—the pet shop, the dentist, the school—can all be called upon to help them with their problems.
Next time they ask a question, consider encouraging them to use sources outside the home: “Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion.”
6. Don’t Take Away Hope
Much of the pleasure of life lies in dreaming, fantasizing, anticipating, and planning. By trying to prepare children for the possibility of disappointment, we can deprive them of important experiences. A better approach is to support their passions even if we aren’t sure where they will go or how they will work out.
For example, let’s say a child develops a passion for horses and asks her father to buy her a horse. Instead of explaining why that is out of the question, he could say, “So, you wish you could have a horse of your own. Tell me about it.” In doing so, the girl is left to explore an interest rather than having it rejected.

Other Helpful Tips for Encouraging Autonomy
There are many ways to promote independence. In fact, all the skills addressed in the book help children see themselves as separate, responsible, competent people. Whenever we listen to children’s feelings, share our own feelings with them, or invite them to problem-solve with us, we encourage their self-reliance.
Here are a few additional tips:

Don’t talk about a child in front of him, no matter how young he may be. People may ask questions like: “Does Johnny enjoy going to school?”, “Does he like the new baby?”, or “Why isn’t he playing with his new toy?” The real mark of respect for the child’s autonomy is to answer, “Johnny can tell you. He’s the one who knows.”
Show respect for your child’s eventual readiness. Sometimes a child wants to do something but isn’t emotionally or physically ready for it. For example, she may want to swim but isn’t able to yet. Instead of forcing, urging, or embarrassing her, you can express your confidence by saying: “I’m not concerned. When you’re ready, you’ll get into the water.”
Avoid Saying ‘No’ Too Often
There are times when you’ll have to thwart your children’s desires. However, a blunt “no” can be experienced as a direct attack on their sense of autonomy. So, here are some alternatives to “No” to consider:
- Give Information (and leave out the “No”) – A child may ask, “Can I go over to Suzie’s to play now?” Instead of saying “no,” you can provide details such as, “We’re having dinner in five minutes.”
- Accept Feelings – A child may say, “I don’t want to go home now. Can we stay?” Instead of saying “no,” you can accept his feelings by saying, “I can see if it were up to you, you’d stay for a long, long time… it’s hard to leave a place you enjoy so much.”
- Describe the Problem – A child may ask, “Mom, can you drive me to the library now?” Instead of “No, I can’t”, describe the problem by saying, “I’d like to help you out… the problem is that the electrician is coming in the next 30 minutes.”
- Substitute a “Yes” for a “No” – A child may ask, “Can we go to the playground?” Instead of “No, you haven’t eaten lunch yet,” substitute a “yes” by saying, “Yes, certainly, right after lunch.”
- Give Yourself Time to Think – A child may ask, “Can I sleep over at Gary’s house tonight?” Instead of “No, you slept there last week,” give yourself a chance to think by saying, “Let me think about it.”
  
  5. Offering Praise
  The books’ authors note that most parents are quick to criticize and slow to praise. They consider it a responsibility of parents to reverse this order and foster their children’s self-esteem by letting them know what’s right about them.
  
  Children who grow up in an environment where their best is appreciated are more likely to feel good about themselves, more likely to cope with the challenges of life, and more likely to set higher goals. The authors caution that praise can be tricky, especially if the praise does not seem realistic, warranted or excessive. Sometimes well-meaning words can cause a child to doubt the sincerity of the praiser, focus on their weaknesses, feel anxiety, or even feel manipulated.
  
  Instead of offering up a simple evaluation, such as good, great, or fantastic, consider the following 3 options:

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